Two boy fish are swimming down a stream. They come across a girl fish, who says to them in passing, “How's the water, boys?” The boy fish continue swimming down the stream before one turns to the other and says “Hey, what's water?”
Sometimes it can be hardest to see what is right in front of you. These past few weeks have had me thinking a lot about the water that I swim in as a man. The same water that many women around me have been emotionally drowning in.
Brittany Higgins and Chanel Contos have sparked an opportunity for many voices to be heard, and the collective voice of so many women and men is waking people up. I tried reading the testimonies of the women and girls who courageously shared their stories. But after 50 or so of the thousands of testimonies, I started to feel ill, that familiar punched-in-the-stomach feeling.
Hearing first hand, from my wife and partner in this life, how men crossed her lines was equally sickening. And the fact that there are so many testimonials that have not been included here, that these experiences were just the most severe and damaging ones, that there are so many more that are considered 'everyday life’ experiences, makes it so much worse.
I've been present for a number of subtle and gross abuses of my wife's space. Disgusting comments, grabs at her body, and subtle sexual innuendos 'meant as a compliment from men we know, and some we don't. I've spoken up about some these things when I found out what had happened, however, I'm ashamed to say, some I didn't speak up about. I made myself believe it was ‘ok' because he's a 'good guy'.
Waking my wife from nightmares this week, as those men continue to haunt her, has been another reminder that too many women walk through this world unsafe. At the same time, I constantly think about the fact that no one has ever made me feel unsafe, or invaded my physical space in a predatory way.
Each day this week I’ve been noticing the water more. I've come to a deeper realisation that being a 'good guy’ and not actively causing harm, is just not good enough. The water is bad. It isn't nice or safe for women in this world. Not like it is for men. As human beings we have equal rights to live in safe, good water.
All men, including me, need to do something to help shape our shared water. I want my sons to grow up recognising the water, and helping to shape that safe, good water. I want them to see it, feel it, and get uncomfortable with the truth of it. We shouldn’t be turning away from the reality, but rather facing it and educating ourselves on how to change it. We should be taking action without expecting praise.
I'm asking all men to actively face the water. Read those testimonials, read books, blogs or articles on the #Metoo movement, on the instances and culture that Brittany Higgins, Chanel Contos and so many other women are referring to. Be driven to take action.
If you are a boy or a man wondering where to start. Start here, start now. Don't ask the women in your lives what you can do, instead educate yourself. I realised that I wasn’t doing enough, so I started searching for and taking my own actions.
I read David Leser's ‘Women, Men and the Whole Damn Thing'. I recommend every man reads it.
I’ve read testimonies of many women on Chanel Contos’s website.
I listened to the audiobook, 'See What You Made Me Do' by Jess Hill
I’m currently reading 'Boys Will Be Boys' by Clem Ford. Another recommendation.
I have been reading every articles I see in the paper, and online, relevant to this issue. There are a lot.
I’ve made plans to have a conversation with my friend to speak up where I should have before.
I've written this post.
I'm helping to shape our work within Tomorrow Man and Tomorrow Woman to equip people with the awareness and emotional muscle to recognise, and shape better, safer, more equal waters.
And I won’t stop. I will continue to educate myself. Over the next few weeks, months, and years. I will do all I can.
Tom Harkin, Co-founder, Tomorrow Man